My Arch Nemesis is Homeless

If I’m going to be completely honest I usually don’t make it a point to speak to homeless people.  Not that I find them repulsive or anything like that but because my arch nemesis is a homeless man and I don’t need another one.

It’s January 1997 in Chicago and we’re having a heatwave. It gets up into the mid 30’s during the day, just enough to turn the snow to slush. I’m in wing tip shoes for work which are not water proof and after just a few misplaced steps I can feel the ice cold water soak my socks. No matter, just a few more blocks and I’ll be home.

A block away from home I see a homeless man making a beeline for me and yell, “Give me $5 dollars!” like I did something wrong. I mean this was close to being a stick up. He was mad. I didn’t appreciate him speaking to me this way so I asked him why and he’d reply, “None of your business!”

I will say this confused me when I heard it. Was it my business? On one hand if you ask for a loan from the bank they will want to know why you want the money. On the other hand this was not a loan. He never said he was going to give me the $5 back. No, this was a gift and if it’s a gift then once I give it it’s now his to do with what he pleases. I have no right to ask.

It didn’t matter because I had no cash or coins on me anyway. I had deposited every last dime a few blocks earlier so I’d have enough for my rent check. Even though I knew my wallet was empty I opened it in front of him so he wouldn’t think I was just blowing him off. I then said what everybody does in that situation, “Sorry buddy, I don’t have any cash on me right now.” I figured he’d just keep walking but no. Now it was time for me to get a tongue lashing. He responded, “You piece of shit. I hope you get frost bite.” Huh. I wasn’t expecting that, especially since he saw my empty wallet. I wanted to say “Well, I hope you get frostbite too.”, but that could actually happen to him being homeless in Chicago so I said, “Sorry.” and walked away defeated.  I can’t believe I said that. I was so angry with myself. I had been given this nasty motion by a guy and I didn’t do anything.

As laid in bed that night with no frostbite I thought of great comebacks for the next time we met. I was sure he’d say something like, “Did you get frostbite yet?” and I’d say, “Did you get a job?” or “No. Did you?” Or maybe he’d walk right past me not saying a word but giving me a dirty look and I’d say, “What’s the matter? Frostbite got your tongue?” Yea, that’d show him. Or better yet, I’d show him my wallet with a crisp $5 bill and tell him why he wasn’t going to get it.

I didn’t have to wait long, the next afternoon as I walked down the sidewalk I saw him. I was ready. As he grew closer I grew a little happier with every step. I’d finally get my revenge. I did a quick check to make sure the $5 bill was there. Yep. Now all I have to do is let him make the first move so I could adjust my comeback from there.

But the next time he saw me he didn’t even recognize me. There was no mistaking that look. He looked at me as though this were the first time we had ever met. No, instead of him referring to our last argument he just yelled at me for $5 again. I was so thrown back that he didn’t recognize me that I found myself confused again and stumbling over my thoughts. How could he not recognize me? We were mortal enemies. He was my nemesis and I was his.

But I had no time to ponder this, I had to act quickly. I started out by saying, “No. And I’ll tell you why.” This was going to be good. He’ll see the error of his ways by the time I was done, but before I could give him a tongue lashing he called me a piece of shit, hoped I got frostbite and chased after someone else across the street.

It all happened so fast. Before I could react he was halfway across a busy street.  This was bad, not only did I get called a piece of shit again but my own nemesis doesn’t even recognize me. Matter of fact, this time he blew me off for someone else. Now I could only watch helplessly as he attacked an innocent bystandard with his wicked words. Although I couldn’t hear due to the sounds of city life, I could see my nemesis demanding $5 and then the other man, who looked confident, said something. I don’t know what he said, but my homeless nemesis just turned around and walked away. He didn’t call him a piece of shit he didn’t wish frostbite on him, he just walked away.

As I laid in bed that night my toes were cold. Maybe I’d wake up with frostbite but who cares. Why didn’t he call the other guy a piece of shit? Why didn’t he recognize me? I didn’t sleep much that night.

The next day as I rode the Red Line listening to the sounds of tracks I pondered my existence. Why did this man hate me so? Why only me? Then I asked myself the right question, “Why do I care?”. Forget that he’s homeless, he’s just some guy. Who cares what he thinks of me. It’s my experience that some people can’t stand to see others doing well and will say and do things to get you to stop succeeding. Heck, I can usually spot those type right away. Even the hard ones to spot. You know, the people who pretend like they’re helping but you always leave them feeling a little less of yourself and your abilities. The ones who give you compliments that don’t quite feel right. Like, “That was really good…for you.” or the ones who give you “constructive criticism” without you even asking for it. They put the word constructive in front of it like I’m suppose to buy it. It’s still criticism.  The first definition of criticism is “the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes“. “Constructive” my ass. Why do I need your approval again? Not that someone telling me they hope I get frostbite is constructive, but thats where I ended up in my thoughts.

As I listened to the steel wheels of the Red Line role along I felt better. Matter of fact I felt good enough to tell my good friend who was riding next to me the whole story. As I told him there was no way I could of known the shell shocker he was about to tell me. You see, he knew exactly who I was talking about. I expected that, this homeless guy was relentless. But he also knew that this guy wasn’t homeless at all. Nope. Turns out he lives in my friends apartment building, which is much nicer than mine. He has a car, a job and likes to berate people for a pass time. I thought I’d be livid but I wasn’t. I had already figured this guy out so it didn’t really matter why he was doing this. It didn’t matter to me if he was homeless or not. A jerk is a jerk and their occupation or living arrangements don’t define them. You can either decide to be a good person with integrity and honor or not. You don’t need $5 to make that decision.

That night I found my shoes filled with slush as I walked to my apartment. Only a block away I saw my nemesis on the other side of the street. As soon as he saw me he darted through the traffic right to me leaving a trail of angry cabbies.  But this time I knew him for who he really was, just some guy who was trying to squash everyone around him down to his level. I didn’t really care anymore. When he looked into my eyes I saw recognition. He didn’t recognize me, but he recognized that I knew what he was truly up to. Never mind that I knew he wasn’t homeless, I knew why he was out here doing this to people. He paused for a bit, then delivered his $5 line, nowhere near as confident. This time instead of trying to come over top of me he shrank. After he asked for the $5 I said no and he walked away… defeated.  There was no witty comeback on my part, no vile words on his part. Just a complete ending of this charade.

I know some of you reading this are disappointed that I didn’t thrash this guy with wicked words and witty comebacks but don’t worry, the story doesn’t end here.

I hadn’t walked but a few steps to hear him yelling at his next victim, a nice middle aged black woman. Now I knew this lady, sort of. I had seen her quite a few times in the local convenience store. We had exchanged pleasantries here and there she was a mother of four, very fair and loving but her kids didn’t dare cross her and for sure they would not disrespect her. She was a proud woman with honor and integrity. If you ask me, mothers are the backbone of society but I’m getting off track.

Now I do believe that if he had to do it over again he would of never demanded $5 from her and he certainly wouldn’t of called her a piece of shit who would get frostbite.

I’ve never heard foul language flow out of a woman’s mouth with such grace, it was like listening to poetry. And it wasn’t just foul language at the same time she was lecturing him like he was one of her children, only she had no love for this child.

Turning around I found him darting through traffic again, not to attack his next victim, because there was no one on the the other side of the street, but to get away from this woman. Not that it helped because she followed him. He wasn’t getting off that easy. And if this guy’s day couldn’t get any worse, he was walking into the wolfs den and didn’t know it. He had no clue he was heading toward her apartment building where three of her girlfriends just happened to be coming out of the front door. He was surrounded. Oh, it didn’t take long for our heroin to bring her girlfriends up to speed. A couple of quick sentences and they were briefed enough to join in on the fun. It was a barrage of vulgar verbal assalts. They had no pity on him because he was “homeless”. After awhile I found myself thinking, “Dude! Just keep moving. Just find a hole, shoot through it and book it out of there!” I can’t believe I was feeling bad for him but that was a slaughter. He finally got away with his tail tucked between his legs. I couldn’t help but notice that after he left the women all acted as if it were just another day at the office. They didn’t make a big deal out of what just happened, matter of fact they were already admiring one’s new winter coat. He was forgotten. Amazing creatures women are. I’m sure I could learn something there. Probably the fact it doesn’t really matter what happened to you in the past, it’s what you’ve got right there in front of you that you should be focusing on.

After that day I never saw him again. I’m guessing the fact that I knew what he was really up to made it not so appealing to work our block any more. Plus a beautiful mother of four and her friends are enough to scare off anybody. I told you mothers are the backbone of society.

Oh, and to this day I have yet to get frostbite. Although, I did move to L.A. just to play it safe.

I want to be an actor. How do I become one?

So I got a quite a few emails lately asking how to be an actor. Here’s some of what I know. Of course there is much more than what I’m about to write but I’m sure this will get you started.

First off, it be easier if you live in L.A. due to there is much more work in L.A. But if you can’t make it you can still act in the town you’re in until you can get to L.A. or New York. But again, L.A. has more work than any other city by far.

So once you get to L.A. I’d get myself into acting classes. It’s just like any other profession you got to keep practicing. There’s a lot of acting schools in L.A. my favorite is they get you completely trained as an actor. But go and check out a few.

Once you feel comfortable and think you’re ready for auditions you’re going to need an agent. So first things first you’re going to need headshots. Set aside at least $300 buck for that. Do NOT skimp on headshots! This is how you get auditions so if your headshot sucks its going to suck for you. You can check out some of mine, I get quite a few complements from casting directors ( To find a photographer just type the keyphrase “headshots los angeles” and start shopping.

Now that you have your headshots you’re going to get them printed (again, don’t skimp here, find a good printer) and submit them to agents. To find the addresses for agents you can go to a store here in L.A. called Samuel French. It’s a store for just for actors. It has tons of books, plays, monologues, etc. You’ll ask them for agent labels. ($20) Put your headshot in a manila folder and put the label on it stick it in the mail. Also, you’ll staple your resume on the back of your headshot. Again, go to my website and you can see how I made my resume, its the “accepted format” for resumes. If you havent done much dont worry about it. Put down what you’ve done. Many people have booked gigs with no experience. If you don’t let it be a stop then no one else will.

When an agent calls you you’ll have to do a monologue for them so have at least two prepared. Maybe a comedic monologue and a dramatic. If you don’t want to comedy then have two dramatics or vice versa. Up to you. There is also commercial agents that only work on submitting you on commercials. Commercials probably wont make you famous but you can make really good money doing it. If you hate doing commercials, then forget them and focus on what you want to do.

It may be a little nerve racking but the fact is the agents, casting directors, directors, producers, want you to do good. They’re on your side. If you do good then they’ve got their actor!

Next you won’t wait for an agent to get you work. There are auditions that you can submit for on your own. There’s really 2 main websites that have auditions. 1. and 2. Go to these sites and set up a page, it’ll walk you through how to do it and you’ll have access to auditions and can submit to things that you’re right for. L.A. Casting will have more commercials on it. They cost about $15 a month or so.

What I did when I first came out here from Chicago was submit to a bunch of student films. I didn’t know what it was like being on set and needed to learn so I did about 30 student films. Best school I ever did. What your striving for is self confidence. All the great actors have one thing in common. Self confidence. The way to get it is to do it over and over and figure out what you don’t know. That’s why you stay in an acting school and try to perform as much as possible. A good acting school will teach you what you don’t know and performing will let you apply what you just learned. This combination will build your self confidence to a very high level.

Also, there is voice over. Can be very lucrative. I have friends making deep 6 figures a year in voiceover a year. But again you’ve got to work at it. I’d suggest starting at They can train you from start to finish on everything you’d ever need to know. Plus the lady that owns it is actually a working voiceover casting director. Plus she’s nice. Be warned, voice over is much more expensive to start. Set aside a good $6000. But the good thing about voice over is you can do many auditions from home now days and can live anywhere really and still have agents all over the country.

Now if for some reason its just not realistic that you can get to a big city and you live out in the boonies dont give up. You can still act. It’s called YouTube. I have a webseries that I wrote, directed and starred in called The Dick and Jane Show. It’s done very well for me. Now days you can even make quite a living online. Some of those YouTube stars are making well into the 6 figures. So you can start a web series and then promote it. Which is really the important part. Make sure you promote it. You may need to learn about Social Media Marketing. Theres quite a bit of free training on that online as well. If you don’t know how to use a camera go to They’ve got free training on that as well. And for sure don’t forget sound. People will forgive bad lighting, but bad sound you’re a dead man. Get a good mic or lavalieres and learn what you can with sound. As far as editing, you can get Final Cut Pro which is what many blockbuster films are edited on for $300 now days. Just go to and check it out.

If you think you could make commercials better than some of the ones you’ve seen on TV many companies are crowd sourcing now days. You can go to sites like, or and do a spec commercial. I have some friends who just started doing this and have done almost 20 commercials in their first 4 months! But again, they work hard at it.

It all comes down to what it is you want to have in life. First decide that and then figure out what you’ll need to be in order to have it and then do the steps that align with your goals.

And never, I mean never, listen to anyone who tells you not to try or tells you it can’t be done or you’ll never make it, etc.

Hope this helps.

Never tell your wife that her personality reminds you of a fish.

OK. Lets start by setting this up and letting you know exactly what was said:

Wife: What about my personality?

Me: umm…ummm…It reminds me of a fish.

Wife: !@#$%^&*(!%&!!

Looking back I probably could of done better. I think I should of been more specific, like a Walleyed Pike or Large Mouth Bass.

I know how it sounds but I meant well. I love fishing. But to be honest I really don’t know what kind of personalities fish have. The truth is my wife wanted to talk to me when I was watching In-Fisherman on the Outdoor Channel.

I got confused.

How could she expect a good answer when I’m learning about the latest lure and fishing techniques?

We’ve been married long enough that she should know better.

Come to think of it, this is her fault not mine. She knows that she’s suppose to tell me what to say.

By all rights it should be her that is banned to the shed not me.

It’s cold in here.


Did you ever have an Angel and a Devil help you make tough decisions? What about everyday boring decisions?

Sam – Tomer Shechori
Chloe – Josie Martineaux
Devil – Elvis Winterbottom
Angel – Kristoffer Garrison

Tomer Shechori

Tomer Shechori
Josie Martineaux

Director of Photography
Josie Martineaux

Mateo Pascual

Joshua Bevier
Aaron Williams

Tomer Shechori
Joshua Bevier

Special Thanks
Zack Snyder
ROAR Network
Loyola Marymount University

My awesome bio written by somebody else

Elvis Winterbottom is considered the greatest actor, writer, director that ever lived ever by everyone. Since he was born people have stood in awe of his talents.

His fellow actors have repeatedly asked him to stop being so much better than them.

Why one time Elvis was doing a play with other actors and the other actors parents all came to see the show and when asked they said they only came to see Elvis and not their kids. It was sad for the other actors but it was true.

So there you go. He’s really good.

And if you think that it’s me writing my own bio, it’s not. This is somebody else, it’s not me. I don’t know why you’d think that I’d write my own bio because I wouldn’t. I can’t help it if someone else writes a bio about me. It’s just the way it is. So again, to be clear, this is not me writing this bio it is someone else who I don’t even know but just decided to write a bio about me.

(Be sure to subscribe to my blog!)

Of course I write blogs!

People have been asking me if I write blogs and I always say, “Of course I write blogs.”

Then for some reason they say “Do you even know what blogs are?”

I don’t know why you guys always ask me that. Of course I do. Heck I remember I the first I wrote blogs was on a dumpster. It was in all caps “BLOGS”.

Man I was so scared I was going to get caught. But I didn’t, and I’ve been writing “BLOGS” like everywhere since.

I’m so hard core I even have a tattoo that says BLOGS.

So I’m tired of you guys telling me about BLOGS. You should be asking me for pointers not telling me that I need to get more “high tech”.

Which brings me to my next point. I’m SOOOO high tech! I’ve got like 2 pagers and if you can’t tell I’m using my electronic typewriter right now to send you this letter. I’ll be honest I’m not sure where to insert the paper so I can line up the tabs but it’s only because its a new typewriter. So it looks like it’s up to me to pave the way again for the rest of you.